my Immortal
by A-Karana
Summary: Continuation of 7.10, no spoiler


**My Immortal**

Even after Emily had left Lorelai stood in the cold night and her mother's words echoed in her head.

She was right and Lorelai knew it. The ring was no guarantee and Chris had faults, just like she had, but still, she couldn't even think about compromising on just one of these points.

She got an uneasy feeling when she thought about exchanging vows again and she knew it had only slightly to do with the fact that it should happen in front of hundreds of people she didn't even know.

The thought of moving into another house, or god forbid, another town made her want to lock herself into the Crap Shack and never leave it and the thought of kids…

" _Yeah, that's good, 'cause I like to entertain. You know. I should have been a monkey in Washington Square Park with, like, a snappy hat. I feel so stupid. I really had myself believing it was gonna happen. I bought that stupid dress, and now it's just hanging there, mocking me. And the crazy thing is, I'm ready to get married. I'm ready to start the next phase of my life. I want another kid, and I, I don't want to wait anymore. I don't want to be patient. I've been patient long enough. I'm not happy, and I feel crappy all the time. And I just think I've had it."_

_" So...what are you gonna do? Only you can make you wait. Nobody else can. You need to decide what you want and what you're willing to give up to get it, and then you've got to be okay with that, or you've got to be okay with waiting."_

_"I could lose him if I push too hard."_

_" You don't really seem to have him now, at least not the way you want to have him. You won't get anything unless you ask for it. And if you ask for it and you don't get it, maybe it wasn't worth having in the first place. Some things are just never meant to be, no matter how much we wish they were."_

_" I can only imagine what you could do if you had a couch."_

Lorelai was shocked about herself how much she really didn't want to have any more kids with Chris. Not a year ago she had desperately wished for a baby, had even thought about getting pregnant "accidentally", to force Luke to let her in again and marry her right away, but it wouldn't have been fair to him. And if she had done it she would be alone with a newborn now. She smiled slightly at the thought, because it would be her baby and it might have looked just like Luke.

_I'm so tired of being here  
Suppressed by all my childish fears  
And if you have to leave  
I wish that you would just leave  
'Cause your presence still lingers here  
And it won't leave me alone_

_These wounds won't seem to heal  
This pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase_

Luke. She replayed the scene in her head when she had met him with Doula in front of Dosey's market. He had been so cute and so proud pushing that pink stroller and then showing his niece off.

When she had, had that pregnancy scare by the time Martha was born she had thought he would be running if she would just mention kids and then he started to bring it up. He had wanted kids with her, just like Chris. But for her, it was so different.

" _So I said "What about the kids?" I didn't mean "What about our kids?" I mean yes obviously "What about OUR kids?" But I didn't mean we had to have any kids, cause we don't, but we can, I just didn't want you to think that I was laying down some kind of a mandate, I mean kids it's plural so it sounds like a lot, but we can just have one kid, one's fine, or more if you want more, or we don't have to have any kids. We could just get a plant."_

_" What?"_

_"Nothing."_

_" OK."_

_"I bought a house, Twickham House. I bought it for us, I don't have it any more, I could probably get it back, but I just thought you should know that I bought it. For the kids that we don't have to have. It's a big house and we don't have to fill it up with kids, we could get furniture, you know, go shopping for a couch or get some end tables. I hate shopping for furniture. For me kids are easier."_

_"I love shopping."_

_"Go to sleep."_

_"OK."_

_"Is this really happening?"_

_"Yes it's really happening. You bought a house without telling me?"_

_"What?"_

_"A house? I mean a house is huge!"_

_"Yeah, I know that's why I told you."_

"_A house full of kids?"_

_"And a plant! Don't forget the plant."_

_"Please don't do that, OK? I mean any other address or life changing decisions, please include me in."_

_"I will! I am! I'm sorry! I won't! I will."_

_"OK."_

_"Sorry."_

_"Kids would be good."_

Luke and the little girl in pink, it would be imprinted forever in her mind. Another image to haunt her at night and wake her up with that empty feeling inside of her.

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
And I held your hand through all of these years  
But you still have  
All of me_

Sometimes at night she would wake up and roll over in her bed and she would snuggle up to the person beside her. She would burry her face in his shirt and then pull away shocked, because he didn't smell right. It wasn't Luke, it was Chris beside her and that made everything different. She still had to see Luke from time to time and she loved those meetings. She had driven to the hospital to be there for him and if it had only been for some minutes. But then he had seen the ring. Chris' ring.

Luke knew her. Luke had always been there for her. They had been friends for so long, She trusted him with everything. He had been her partner. Her fiancé. The father to her future kids. Only he wasn't anymore, because she wore that ring on her finger now. A ring from Chris which was no guarantee.

_You used to captivate me  
By your resonating light  
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind  
Your face it haunts  
My once pleasant dreams  
Your voice it chased away  
All the sanity in me_

Luke was an amazing father. He was so cute with Doula and he was so great with April. She had heard the townspeople talking about the two of them. She had seen him in the hospital. He had been so worried. And he had been there. Chris had never been there for anything in Rory's life. Luke would have been there for her child, even if they still had broken up. Lorelai knew that.

" _Hey."_

_" Oh, hey. Hi."_

_" How is she?"_

_"Okay. It was appendicitis, like you said. But she's okay. I mean the operation went really great. They got it out, no problem. And she's gonna be fine. And I'm gonna be able to see her pretty soon."_

_"Good, good."_

_"Yeah you didn't -- you know you didn't have to come, but thanks for coming."_

_"There's nothing worse than taking your kid to the emergency room. You know I remember Rory had food poisoning, and they had to hook her up to an I.V. And she just looked so little and scared. It made me feel like they were gonna have to hook me up to an I.V."_

_"I was almost out of my mind, I was so scared. I mean at one point, I got so panicked, I was thinking maybe I'd give her my appendix, you know if they could do some kind of a transplant or something. But I was a little out of my mind."_

_" Well, I'm glad she's gonna be okay."_

_" She's gonna be alright…"_

_" Mr. And Mrs. Nardini?"_

_"Oh, no. Hi, I'm Luke Danes. I'm April's dad."_

_"Well, she's a little out of it right now, but you and your wife can go in and see her."_

_"No, she's not my..."_

_"No, I'm not, uh..."_

She knew that she was married now and that she had to work on that marriage. She didn't want to have another failed relationship on her list, not to speak of a failed marriage.

It had been such a nice dream in Paris, so far away from everything. The Inn, the stress, her parents, the arguments, the house, her memories, Luke and her broken heart and the trust she had lost in the people surrounding her, when Luke, of all people, had let her walk away.

_These wounds won't seem to heal  
This pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase_

The marriage had been fun. Fun, like everything with Chris. But that was about it. Although this marriage now, was not fun. Marriage wasn't about fun. It was about caring and being there for each other and above all about love.

She was caring a lot about Chris, she always had. Well, not really. Not when he had tried to break her and Luke up at her parent's vow-renewal.

They had always been there for each other, she had helped him when his father had died, she had helped him with Gigi when Sherry had left and when the girl had gotten out of control, she had helped him when he wanted to pay for Rory's school and be a better father.

Chris had helped her when Luke had let her walk away. He had slept with her, he had told her he loved her, he had wooed her and had married her.

" _Uh...a car crashed into my diner yesterday. There's a giant hole where my wall used to be. It's gonna take a couple of weeks to fix. Chuckles It's a disaster, but I don't care. I mean, I care, but... you know what, no. I really -- I don't care. It's like it's not even real to me. It's like my life isn't even real to me unless you're there, and you're in it, and I'm sharing it with you. And, uh, I don't know what I was waiting for, and I don't know what I was scared of, but I'm not. I'm not scared, and I'm not waiting. I'm here."_

_"Luke."_

_"No, don't say anything. I've got a tank full of gas, and Maryland is only 200 miles away, and I've made us some reservations at a couple of bed-and-breakfasts. I mean if you don't want to do the Maryland thing, we don't have to. I heard you say "Maryland" the other day. I don't know whether you were serious. I'm just trying to cover my bases here."_

_" Luke…"_

_" I also packed some camping equipment so we can head to Vermont or Maine and, you know, check into a cabin for a week, you know, like a little honeymoon thing. But maybe that's a little too rustic for your taste. Or we could drive to Atlantic City or even Las Vegas if you want to make a real road trip out of it."_

_"Luke, stop."_

_" I also did some research, and we can we can also apparently use a sea captain, if you want. I'm not sure how big the boat has to be for it to be legal, but we can head to the coast, and we can knock on some doors, you know, boat doors. Yeah, that's probably not the most sensible way."_

_" Just stop."_

_"But, no no, you were right. I need to be faster. I need to move faster, I need to think faster. And, well, here I am."_

_" It's over."_

_"No, you can't say that. You can't just say that it's over. It's not over. You can't just decide that it's over. I'm in this, too. You know I'm not gonna let it be over. You said, "be ready now or never." I'm ready now."_

_"Luke."_

_"Let's go. Let's do this. Let's get married right now. Let's go."_

_" I slept with Christopher."_

Luke had always been there and she couldn't even remember all the things he had done for her anymore.

Why was Luke still haunting her? She was married now. It had been eight months that they had broken up and still not a day went by that she wasn't thinking of him.

She had Christopher now, she was married. She had it. Her whole package

_I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone  
But though you're still with me  
I've been alone all along_

Emily was right. The ring was no guarantee. But for what should it be a guarantee? For happiness? A partner? Love? She had, had that all. Eight months ago the beautiful engagement ring hadn't been a guarantee either, although she would never need a guarantee for one thing: She had loved Luke. And always would. No ring could change that, not even the wedding ring she wore now.

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears  
And I held your hand through all of these years  
But you still have  
All of me_

_**The end**  
_


End file.
